A Sense of Where You Are

Yesterday morning, I really, really wanted to throw up...

I should explain: yesterday was the graduate student orientation for the English department at school, and I had a legit excuse to be on campus for the first time since I graduated. Walking towards my old haunts in my snug new pants (I have gotten to waist size 40 now, though I expect that to change as the semester wears on and I am likely to have to park far, far away), I felt a wave of nostalgia for all the times, good and bad, I'd had on-campus in the past. Then I felt a wave of nausea.

I didn't puke, thankfully, though I did hyperventilate a little (well, climbing to the fourth floor of a building will do that, too), and I had to break for the nearest bathroom upon reaching the fourth floor and give myself silent validations in the mirror (if I'd said them out loud, people might have looked at me funny. It was pretty quiet in the hallway). I made it on time to the meeting place and sat towards the back, trying not to make an ass of myself.

Yes, college version 2.0 (the grad school edition) is finally within reach, and even as I type this I can feel the urge to bolt towards safer climes racing through me (or maybe it's the Mountain Dew). After all the bellyaching I've made about the past two weeks of "freedom," I am literally terrified of taking that big step towards grad school. But that's a good thing.

In all honesty, I'm much more comfortable being a failure at things; I know the ropes of picking yourself back up whenever something, be it a job opportunity or a relationship with someone, goes off the rails or never got on the track to begin with. I've been there, done that. I know my strengths (obsessive mix CDs of "love gone wrong" songs, for instance, or fruitless job searches on the internet), but success, or the opportunity for success? Uncharted territory, baby.

It is all new to me, and new can be scary, but it can also be invigorating. Just make sure you don't eat anything you don't want to taste again, in case things are *too* invigorating.

I recently read a book that I'd had my eye out for and stumbled across at a used bookstore a couple months back. It's called A Sense of Where You Are, about Bill Bradley before he was a senator or a New York Knick, back when he was just the best basketball player Princeton had ever seen. Like a lot of things you might look forward to with anticipation, it didn't quite live up to the wait (I'd rate it three and a half stars, but the rating system on Facebook allows for no halves). But the title itself (about knowing where you are on the basketball court, where your teammates and/or opponents are) is a pretty good metaphor for life (and being an English guy, I love my metaphors). I'm not alone here, and I have plenty of things to look forward to as the semester begins. I just have to make sure I've got a good read on the layout of the court.

Or something like that.

It's not perfect, but it will fit for now. That urge to vomit (still have it, still haven't actually done so) will subside in time (or, with an ill-place dinner at one of the lesser-grade restaurants I might frequent, come spilling out in one glorious sweep), but mixed with the fear is some positive trembling. I think I'm ready, I certainly hope so (my current inability to reopen my Clemson email, moribund since my graduation in August 2008 not withstanding).

Wait, did I just write about wanting to vomit? And post it here? My apologies...:-p