Recently online, I commented to a thread on a friend's Facebook page about my long-standing (until a few years ago) distance from anything to do with the Rolling Stones, based on the asinine notion that one could not be a Beatles fan and a Stones fan at the same time (I believe in stupid things). Anyway, I made the comment that, pound for pound, the Stones often put out songs much better than anything the Fab Four was doing at that same time, much as it pained me to admit. Well, naturally I got to thinking which songs from the Lennon/McCartney gang didn't measure up at all, much less compared to Jagger/Richards. Having been a Beatles fan for twenty years or so, owning all their albums and reading as many books about them collectively and individually as I could, I think I'm in a position of authority when I declare the following five songs (in order from five to one, in terms of increasing awfulness) the worst Beatles songs ever. I stick to originals, that is non-covers the Beatles did, because for every "Twist and Shout" there's a "Mr. Moonlight" or "Boys." Most of the covers came and went before 1965's Rubber Soul, so I felt it was wiser to stick with the stuff they had written (mostly Lennon and McCartney, though George and Ringo did do an original song or two when they needed something to fill out an album side). So, without any more ado:
5.) Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (The "White Album," 1968)
The Beatles (better known as The White Album) is an interesting snapshot not so much of where the Beatles were at this point than of where they were going once they went their separate ways. John was all experimental and weird; Paul was saccharine and pop-savvy; George was a mix between both; and Ringo was Ringo. I could go with the more obvious candidate of "Revolution #9" if it weren't for the fact that I've never listened to it all the way through or, if I did (like with "Within You Without You" off Sgt. Pepper), it didn't make enough of an impact to register on my disdain-o-meter. I used to really like this song, which I put down to the insidious instincts of one Paul McCartney, i.e., the One Who Should've Gotten Shot or Cancer (not really, as I wouldn't wish either of those on anyone...but then, the world might have been spared "Freedom"). This is such a catchy tune, even though the words don't do much you can't help humming along (and it was used as the theme for the TV show Life Goes On, which is probably what people know it as). It's just an absolute goddam mess of a song, and the fact that it's stuck in my head as I type this is no comfort. The cross-dressing bit at the end feels "naughty" in quotation marks like that, not sincerely naughty (and I don't think a claim could be made that the Beatles birthed glam rock because of it, though I'd be interested to see the thesis). Since a lot of this list is going to be more Lennon than McCartney, I wanted to start with the one that got a knighthood so that I could get the bile out of my system.
4.) Tell Me What You See ("Help!" Soundtrack, 1965)
What's weird is, I kinda like this song, but it's not a great tune and it stands out like a red-headed stepchild amongst a group portrait of brunettes and blondes. The soundtrack to Help! famously includes the World's Most Covered Song ("Yesterday," which it took me ages to admit was as good as it is, due to Macca-hate), and there are a few ground-rule doubles alongside the obvious home-runs of "You're Going To Lose That Girl" and "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away." The title song itself, an actual plea to help gussied up into a pop hit, hints at the darker side of John Lennon's psyche in 1965 (more on that shortly). But this song feels odd, like an experiment that doesn't quite work but still has merit. I include it on the list because, paradoxically, it was one of the first to spring to mind, though I don't have strong feelings against it. I don't have strong feelings for it, to be honest. It just seems like a misguided attempt at something, but what it actually is as a song almost works for me. Almost. But not quite.
3.) Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite! ("Sgt. Pepper," 1967)
The concept of the "concept album" crystalized with Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, which was also the first Beatles album issued by Capitol "as is" (before this, they'd done the disservice of culling tracks off the British originals and repackaging those songs with singles from the same time as "albums." Shocking to think that a record company would try to exploit its customers like that, absolutely shocking). The "concept" of this being a different band than the Beatles falls apart, depending on your tastes, either right away (on the album it clearly says "Beatles" and you'd have to be a moron to think that the collective facial hair of the previously fresh-faced lads is some kind of genius disguise), or by the time Ringo finishes "With a Little Help from My Friends," but the album itself isn't all bad. "Good Morning Good Morning" seems like insane Lennon but in a good way, Paul even acquaints himself well with the oldie "When I'm Sixty-Four" (hey, I like it, if you don't then go write your own damn list). The aforementioned "Within You Without You" is room-clearing but well-intentioned (George would have more success with Indian-flavored music as the decades wore on). But this song...taken from a circus poster...reeks of filler. I don't care that the sound effects are "startling to hear" on a record album, it's dressing up a pig in silk and pearls. At least "Lucy In the Sky (With Diamonds)" has the naughtiness factor ("LSD," get it?). This is just ugh-worthy, and it's far from the last musical crime Lennon will commit before this list is over.
2.) Run For Your Life ("Rubber Soul," 1965)
If you actually read about John Lennon, his life both with and away from the Beatles, you form two distinct impressions: one, that he was a talented and creative guy who had to overcome a lot of heartbreak in life, and two, that he often took it out on the people around him, physically. Lennon was physically abusive to girlfriends, wives, and those he saw as "cripples," and he wasn't always Mr. Peace-and-Love. That's hard to stomach if you're hung up on the notion that he was always a good guy, but the fact is that he did evolve and (I'd like to think) became a better human being during the decade after leaving the group. But there are plenty of artifacts from his less compassionate period, and this is the worst of them. Rappers get a lot of shit (a lot of it justified) for misogynistic lyrics, but Lennon here threatening to kill the "little girl" he's singing to? Just plain inexcusable. It's a song that really should be listened to once, maybe twice, and then put away. Or maybe it should be revived, if only because domestic abuse (while a hot button issue recently) is not a new phenomenon and likely won't go away just because we don't talk about it. John Lennon may have been a genius, but he could also be an asshole. Granted, that makes him human: we're all human, really. But this song is downright chilling, and such a misguided song that to think that it closes out one of the Beatles' masterpieces of long-playing albums is disheartening.
1.) Come Together ("Abbey Road," 1969)
And in the end, the love you make is equal to making this the crappiest song ever recorded. Ever. Recorded. I can't begin to explain to you how much I absolutely loath this song. It's the worst song ever, and I'm not just saying that because Aerosmith did a cover that occasionally turns up on classic-rock stations alongside the original (though that doesn't help). I could've gone with a number of different songs at numbers 2 and 3, but number one was never in doubt. For those who cite "John's whimsical wordplay," I advise the court to consider the much better (and more tuneful) "I am the Walrus" from two years previously. "Come Together" isn't "playful," it's lazy. Lennon was better than this, even on the same album (his contributions to the collage on the second side of the album are witty and fun), but this is the song that people seem to like. I recognize The Godfather is a great, classic movie, but I just don't like it. I can't say that I recognize any supposed greatness to "Come Together," which makes its continuing popularity in Beatles-fans circles mind-boggling to me. I have hated this song since I first came across it on one of the numerous Beatles tapes I used to buy, before buying the Abbey Road album proper on CD. It's the one Beatles song Lennon performs at the 1972 concert he gave in NYC, his last concert appearance ever. Ever. That's like going out on "My Little Buttercup" when you're best known for "Instant Karma," "Revolution," or "The Ballad of John and Yoko." Lennon liked this song, a lot of Beatles fans like this song. I hate it with every fiber in my body.
